Cliche Workout Characters: Volume 4

Are. You. READY? Volume four of the best cliché workout characters tells the story of Spot, Sloppy Joe, and the Fashion Model. They are true characters and may cause you to giggle!

Spot

Spot likes one piece of equipment very much. It might be a particular Smith Machine, or a Bench, but Spot will stay on that machine for the majority of the workout, sometimes taking a sip of water, or using the restroom in emergency situations. But he rarely strays from that spot. If he does leave, he marks his territory with a splotch of sweat, towel, or water bottle. Spot, in a worst case scenario, can be likened to a mother hen protecting the nest, sometimes squawking or clucking if someone gets too close.

It’s best to approach with caution, as there have been rare instances of the word “brah” being used aggressively when asked if they’re done with the machine they were “on.” But usually, they are friendly and willing to share the machine.

Sloppy Joe

Two 45-pound weight plates sit on each side of the barbell on the top rack of the Smith Machine. A gym-goer named Beatrice wants to do some modified push-ups, but she has the impossible task of attempting to remove the too-heavy weights, because Sloppy Joe left them on the bar. Shame on you, Joe.

After getting assistance from a kindly trainer to remove the weights, Beatrice finishes a set of modified push-ups. She then moves toward an open weight bench to crank out a few modified burpees. Sadly, a few pairs of heavy dumbbells are piled up near the bench, along with a sweat spot right where Beatrice was going to place her hands. Disgusted, Beatrice shortens her workout and she goes home without her burpees — something no gym-goer should ever have to go without. Beatrice also had wet socks from stepping in a wet spot in the carpet, because Joe didn’t change out of his outdoor shoes.

Please don’t be a Sloppy Joe. Beatrice would be sad.

The Fashion Model

The Fashion Model comes to the gym to do two things: look good and work out, and since she already worked out that day, that means they think there is only one thing left to do.

The favorite tools of the Fashion Model to reduce the chances of breaking a sweat (that would defeat the purpose) are to go at a snail’s pace during any exercise, and generally go through the motions at half-speed to allow for preening without being too obvious. A few favorite exercises for the Fashion Model are the “Elliptical Text,” the “Stretch Area Phone Call,” and the “Limp-Wristed Dumbbell Curl.”

All rest periods involve an incognito sideways glance towards the mirror, and the bathroom will often be used mirror-gazing and preening supersets. The Fashion Model’s focus is on form, and not function. But it’s not about the clothes you’re in — it’s about the effort within.

What’s your gym pet peeve?

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