Looking for a sign? Our astronomy “expert” Jack Sh*t is ready to reveal whether a healthier future is in the stars for you…
ARIES-LING (Mar 21 – Apr 19)
Expect to be plenty embarrassed this week at Target when that swimsuit you’re trying on turns out to be an uninflated Moon Bounce.
TARTUS (Apr 20 – May 20)
Your personal trainer will tell you that he’s never seen anyone with your level of determination and commitment. Most of the people he works with have at least some.
GEMINCEMEAT (May 21 – June 20)
Your vow to quit drinking diet cola faces a tough obstacle when you have a sudden realization: you really like diet soda!
CANCEREAL (June 21 – July 22)
The good news is that you’ve managed to curb your appetite. The bad news is that you’ve curbed it at the drive thru window of McDonald’s.
LEOREO (July 23 – Aug 22)
You might want to start thinking up a good comeback for when the waiter asks “Why did you ask for a to-go box if you were going to eat the whole thing?”
VIRGOOBERS (Aug 23 – Sept 22)
You shouldn’t wear a red sweater this week unless you want to hear your child crying and screaming “Don’t run through my wall, Kool-Aid Man!”
LIBROWNIES (Sept 23 – Oct 22)
Yes, everyone at the party’s going to laugh when the chair you’re sitting in collapses, but keep in mind that Carl just told his really funny story about the rabbi, the Pope and President Obama.
SCOOPIO (Oct 23 – Nov 21)
A man runs into a friend and sees that his friend’s car is totally covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt, and blood. He asks his friend, “What’s happened to your car?” “Well,” the friend responses, “I ran into a lawyer.” “OK,” says the man. “That explains the blood… but what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?” The friend replied: “Well, I had to chase him all through the park.”
I know, I know… that wasn’t about weight loss. Why’s everything gotta be about weight loss with you anyways?
SPAGHETTARIUS (Nov 22 – Dec 21)
After using it for three months, you realize that the app you downloaded to track your calories counts a king-sized box of Milk Duds as 10 calories.
CANDICORN (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
The giant person you constructed out of tater tots is a sign that you need a date… and you need to start eating better… and you better pick up some more ketchup next time you’re at the store.
AQUARICEARONI (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
Voltaire said, “Each player must accept the cards life deals him or her. But once they are in hand, he or she alone must decide how to play the cards in order to win the game.” So it’s up to you to best play your deuce of clubs, eight of diamonds, five of hearts, Monopoly “Community Chest” card and Florida Marlin’s shortstop Hanley Ramirez’s rookie baseball card.
REECE’S PISCES (Feb 19 – March 20)
You will meet a handsome stranger at the train station. Did I say “handsome”? I meant “overweight”. Did I say “at the train station”? I meant “in the mirror”. Oh, SNAP!